Sometimes i really wonder what people are actually thinking..what are they actually trying to do to their life? Contentment is what most people are lack of...i agreed that people should not be too content with their life because it will lead to a mundane routine...however, they should not be too obsessed in getting a better life either..

This past 6 months have been living hell for me...To know that people close to you are actually committing something stupid really hurts my heart...he was not bad in nature and frankly speaking i used to look up to him for his work, his unselfishness...his only shortcoming is his lack of concern for the family and his MCP obsession.

I really do not know what is wrong with my family...From the surface, we seems like a great, loving family...In real life, we seems like 4 people with different personalities put together under one roof...Everyone seems to be living in their own individual life...We never had a proper family dinner, a proper family outing unlike most other families..When my bro and I were still young, this was already a dysfunctional family. My mum has been giving her life to work...I know this is not what she wanted because she was the only breadwinner of the family since we were born...she works from day till night until we hardly even see each other...the only time we meet is during early morning breakfast at 730am and lat night dinner after 9pm. Sometimes even when i have eaten early dinner...i would try to go home and had another dinner...I feel that that's the only thing i can do...

My dad is always a mystery to me...Since young, i do not know what he has been doing because to me he is a house husband..he always claim that he does not work and have loads of money...He is actually a strict father with a kind-heart from my point of view..However, the things that he always do and say makes me feel like hating him...He used to be a heavy smoker and drinker. Whenever he gets drunk, he will spout nonsense, brings up his glory of having money without working, brings up past arguments or just find ways to start an argument...I have tried many ways of handling him...but non seems to work really well....If i start talking logic with him...the argument will last for 7-8 hours straight...If i keep silence, he will start telling stories on his own for 7-8 hours..I already cannot remember how many times i have drench my bed with tears...It's really frustrating because i never get to have a good night sleep...This has been haunting this family for my past 25 years...

Just when i thought this was bad enough to haunt me for the rest of my life...My bro have to add on to all this drama...I always think my parents love my brother more than me...That is why since young, I have been trying very hard in my studies to gain recognition and attention from them...My brother may not study really well in school but his he always excels in his other curriculum like sports...he had won many 1st place in sports which my parents are really proud of...To me, i really envy him because i wasn't as healthy as other children. I had severe asthma which deters me from going out and eating normal meals. Imagine having to stay at home everyday, 3 meals as plain porridge with soy sauce and 1 whole shoe box of medicine to take for like 1-2months every 2months...How healthy can i be like this? When my bro fails to finish his poly, my parents were really upset but for a short period of time only...Then he got accepted into police and he signed on as one...My parents especially my dad was so proud of him being a police...They have such high hopes for him which i never had....He has been working for 8 years and he had never paid his own bills or give allowance to my parents and yet my parents still see him as the best...He earned so much more then me and yet he never had any savings till now. Last year, we start to receive lots of letters from different insurance companies and banks...My parents told me to ask him and he confessed to me on all his loans..He had took up near 2 millions of loans from banks not for anything but to satisfy his personal wants...eating at restaurants, going pubs, soccer betting..He promised that he will never take up loans again if his debt is settled...so i told my parents about it and they have to use part of their retirement money to pay his debt..

Then just 2 weeks ago, an anonymous person called saying that my bro owned him 1 million...My parents and I called him back and ask him about the situation. He said he lost 1million in the casino and the person gave him another 1 million which he also gambled it away..so in total he actually lost 2 millions on the table..What was he thinking about!?! Up till now we still do not know what is running in his brain...Was he brainwashed or his soul was taken over by the demon?!! We had no idea because he just won't speak ?! When the anonymous person calls again, we request for the IOU but he said he do not have it...How is it possible that one person will lend such huge amount of money without writing an IOU?! I begin to doubt the credibility of this person. However, my bro did got the money from him...and my parents do not want to report this to the police cause this will ruin his life...as a person..I really do hope my bro will wake up from his dream and stop thinking of earning quick money...I can survive on half the salary that i have and have savings...why can't he who earns much more then me....It's all about self control i believe..

I may not be a better person myself. I may did things which they do no like. I believe i could make much more effort to bond with my family but sometimes i just can't stand the way my dad and bro and doing to their own life and i also hate it when they do not understand what i really want and for who i am.

When will all these ever comes to a halt...I am really damn tired of dealing with all these...Why can't i just have a normal family who eat together, goes out together and travel together...I just want to be HAPPY...am i really asking for much?? =(